Ding-Dong, Go Away

I can’t say the grass is getting green just yet, but spring is in the air nonetheless. Instead of leaving work and heading home in darkness, I walk into a few more precious hours of daylight. The light coat I wore to ward off the morning’s chill is slung over my arm, no longer needed in the warmth of afternoon.

Once home, I leave the door open and crack the windows, letting in the gentle breeze and the soothing sounds of birdsong. I wander about barefoot, relishing the thought that pretty soon I won’t have to wonder about the fate of all those socks the dryer eats. There won’t be any socks to dry.

I live for fall and spring. Winter’s bitter cold and summer’s swampy heat both turn me into a bitchbag. July, August, January and February are like loud, overbearing friends who sometimes make you smile but more often zap you of energy with their drama and noise.

But October, November, April and May? Love them. They are those lifelong friends you can hang out with and not talk at all. They are a breath of fresh air.

So as April approaches, I take time to feel gratitude. I walk barefoot in my living room and think of the hikes I’ll take before it gets too hot, the flowers I’ll plant, the leisurely outdoor meals I’ll have, the writing I’ll do while sitting on my deck. I feel energized and inspired.

And then YOU knock on the door.

Like an animal trapped in its lair, I am caught. Because I have the door open, so you know I am here. Your eager eyes are peering through the screen door. You knock lightly and flash a hungry smile, even though you’ve had a glimpse of that deer-in-the-headlights look on my face already.

You come when I am catching up on Walking Dead or Vikings or Shameless. You come when there’s a book in my hand. You come when I am pecking away on my laptop. You make my fingers freeze over the keyboard as I think “well, shitweasels and douchecanoes.

It doesn’t matter which of those things I was doing – any of them are better than talking to you. You see that in my eyes, and plow forward anyway. That’s how you (steam)roll.

“Hi! I wanted to ask you a few questions about your internet provider and tell you how (insert random company here) could give you faster service AND lower your monthly payments!”

Or:

“I’m from (insert random gas and/or electric company) and I’d like to tell you how much better our services are than (insert local huge energy provider that can be a pain in the arse but is ultimately always reliable AND leaves me the heck alone).”

Or:

“Would you like to talk about The Lord today?”

I don’t know what it is about my street that draws door-to-doorsies. It is an uphill, dead end road boasting a relatively small number of homes. We haven’t gotten trick-or-treaters in ten years. Why would they trudge up the hill when there are a buttload of flat streets with more houses so close by?

That always bummed me out. I like trick-or-treaters. I wouldn’t mind some little ghouls and goblins. I DO mind salespeople, but my street seems to inspire rather than deter them. Probably because unlike the kids, they’re driving instead of trudging uphill.

I don’t know anyone who likes door-to-door salespeople. I know they are just trying to pay the rent, mortgage or college tuition and that most of them don’t put on their sales-face thinking “Yee-haw – I get to go bug the shit out of some folks today!”

I try not to hate them. But they just won’t GO AWAY.

You interrupt a critical, hot-main-character-might-get-whacked moment in my TV binge-fest to tell me about your super-fast, top-notch internet services? Go away, because I’m about to use my current internet magic to tweet about what a douche you are. Tyrion Lannister on Game of Thrones is talking about the God of Tits and Wine and you show up telling me that your version of God will save my soul if I just keep my own tits covered and stop drinking so much wine?  No thank you. Go chase down that internet services provider dude who was just here and save him.

I actually WAS frustrated with my internet provider a few years back and decided to switch. I did some research, chose a company and was nearly fed up enough to make a call. Then a representative from the company I had chosen showed up at my open door on a balmy spring day.

He was polite. He was nice. But I axed my plan to switch providers and am still with the same company. Because screw that. No matter how bad I might want what you’re selling, if you show up at my door trying to get me to buy it, I will either go without or get it somewhere else.

I am an introvert. I extrovert all day at work because I have bills. I go out and socialize with friends and family because I love them too much to let my deprived inner hermit keep me from seeing them. But that’s all I’ve got. My home is my sanctuary. It is where I recharge in peace, quiet and solitude.

If you invade that space and force me to extrovert enough to politely tell you to row your douchecanoe on up the road just because I had the audacity to open the door and let in some fresh air, I will never buy your shit. You and your company now have a Scarlet Letter.

Only the “A” stands for “Asshole.”

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